Meta is hiding our articles from you because of its ban on Canadian news.
You can still “friend” us on Facebook or join the email list or follow us on Mastodon

Environment Canada: “Avoid Inhaling”

Health, Weather

OTTAWA — For the first time in its history, Environment Canada has issued an “Avoid Inhaling” alert for the mid-Island region.

“Air quality in the Nanaimo region will continue to decline, and so the only safe option is to simple avoid breathing until air quality levels return to normal.”

A government spokesperson added that this recommendation only affects high-risk people such as seniors, cancer patients, or anyone who has recently undergone a Spinal Tap procedure. To check to see if the order applies to your family, click here.

Air quality levels reached past 10 on the scale of 0 to 10, forcing Environment Canada meteorologist Nigel Tufnel to create an 11th position. Called “OMFG STOP,” it appears past “High Risk.”

In an interview with The Beacon, Tufnel explained the extra position on the air quality index:

Tufnel: “The numbers on the index all go to 11. Look, right across the board.”

Beacon: “And most of the indexes go up to 10.”

Tufnel: “Exactly.”

Beacon: “Does that mean it’s worse air quality?”

Tufnet: “Well, it’s one-worse, isn’t it? It’s not 10. You see, most blokes would register this as a 10, but then where can you go from there? Where?”

Beacon: “I don’t know.”

Tufnet: “Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?”

Beacon: “Put it up to 11.”

Tufnel: “11. Exactly. One worse.”

Beacon: “Why don’t you just make 10 represent worse air quality, and make 10 be the top number. Make that a little worse?”

Tufnel: (thoughtful pause) “But this goes to 11.”

0 Comments

Reader Complaint Line

Angry about something you read here? Call us at (248) 434-5508.

About This Site

The articles on this web site are fictional works of satire.

Keep Reading…

B.C. Releases New “Glory Hole Tips” Brochure

B.C. Releases New “Glory Hole Tips” Brochure

VICTORIA — The B.C. Ministry of Health today released a detailed 16-page brochure with tips on how to best use glory holes. The publication came after the B.C. Centre for Disease Control advised that one can help control the spread of the Coronavirus by using...

Nanaimo Hospital to Expand Treatment of Local Assholes

Nanaimo Hospital to Expand Treatment of Local Assholes

NANAIMO — Work has started on a new $3-million wing at Nanaimo Regional General Hospital, which will be devoted to the treatment of local assholes. "Nanaimo has a large number of assholes," explained Dr. Glenda Samuels. "For some reason, most people tend to start...

City to Flush Blood of Enemies from Faucets Next Week

City to Flush Blood of Enemies from Faucets Next Week

"Never ingest the blood coming from your taps during this flushing procedure." — City health director Nanaimo's annual water-main flushing, which helps move sediment and blood from the enemies of City staff from the piping system, will begin on March 2nd. In a news...

NRGH to Replace Doctors with Parents Who Have Done Their Research

NRGH to Replace Doctors with Parents Who Have Done Their Research

NANAIMO — Nanaimo's main hospital will be removing up to 14 physicians from payroll, as part of a cost-savings measure, and will replace them with parents who have conducted enough Internet research to know a thing or two. NRGH board chair Congolia Breckenridge told...

Nanaimo Family “Horrified” by $4.75 NRGH Bill

Nanaimo Family “Horrified” by $4.75 NRGH Bill

NANAIMO — A Nanaimo family says they were "horrified" to discover that four hours of medical treatment, a battery of tests, and an overnight stay at Nanaimo Regional General Hospital resulted in a massive bill of $4.75. "I really don't know how they expect us to...

Liked this article? Share on your social media.