NANAIMO — Work has started on a new $3-million wing at Nanaimo Regional General Hospital, which will be devoted to the treatment of local assholes.

“Nanaimo has a large number of assholes,” explained Dr. Glenda Samuels. “For some reason, most people tend to start needing treatment when they reach the age of 50.”

Samuels also noted that, for some reason, white males are particularly in need of treatment.

As for where they plan to find local assholes to fill the new endoscopy suite at NRGH, Samuels says many assholes in need of help tend to be gathered in local Facebook groups. “We don’t understand why, but there are a lot of assholes on Facebook.”

The news comes after NRGH officials said they have noticed an alarming increase in recreational treatment procedures. Treatment of assholes now account for nearly half of Nanaimo’s emergency room visits, with wait times often longer than six hours to get the procedure.

Public health officials recommend that you get treatment at age 50 if you’re overall a decent person and you don’t have any previous history of consumption of Fox News. Officials also recommend immediate treatment if you have a diagnosis of a bowel condition or you have argued that “all lives matter” in the last four weeks.

The new treatment wing is expected to be completed by early next year. It will enable the treatment of 50 more assholes per week.

Per NRGH’s new staffing policy, both examinations and treatment will be conducted by people who know a thing or two about this and that.

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