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NANAIMO — It's been years of planning, but now the Dark Lord says his campaign of retribution for Nanaimo is nearly at its apex. "I've been working on this since my agent Tracy Samra was disposed of so callously," said the Devil of Darkness. "I told you then you would...
OTTAWA — For the first time in its history, Environment Canada has issued an "Avoid Inhaling" alert for the mid-Island region. "Air quality in the Nanaimo region will continue to decline, and so the only safe option is to simple avoid breathing until air quality...
NANAIMO — "Are you fucking kidding me?" asked Bowser Cooper, a three year-old Harewood chihuahua. "Somebody is out to kill us." Vancouver Island's chihuahuas say they have banded together and will not come out from under the couch, no matter how many goddamned treats...
A local miniature schnauzer named Dave has located the only patch of grass in Nanaimo suitable for urinating. "Honest to god, I've had my legs crossed for days now," said Dave. "I know snow clearing is important for the disabled and all, but why doesn't anybody think...
He hasn't left his house for six days now, and Nanaimo resident Dan Jakspo says the snow on the sidewalk outside his house is to blame. After a record-setting snowfall, The Beacon confirmed that the sidewalk outside Jakspo's residence is indeed covered by about two...
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