NANAIMO — It’s been years of planning, but now the Dark Lord says his campaign of retribution for Nanaimo is nearly at its apex.
“I’ve been working on this since my agent Tracy Samra was disposed of so callously,” said the Devil of Darkness. “I told you then you would pay for it.”
Satan’s plan has so far looked like this:
- Unleash a pandemic on the mid-Island (the rest of the world was just “unfortunate collateral damage,” Satan said)
- Cause the skies to open up with “the tears of Jesus” (Mr. Christ was unavailable to confirm if last week’s flooding was, in fact, from his tears.
- Open a dark magic sinkhole directly to Hell on the Island highway (“I’m particularly proud of the craftsmanship on that one,” said Satan. “A really clean job.”)
- Massive disruption of the supply chain, causing food and goods to be scarce — including the deliberate grounding of a container ship off Vancouver Island. “Honestly, I was a little disappointed it didn’t have oil to leak out or anything. It was just a bunch of fridges.”
The only thing left in the Master Plan, he told The Beacon, was disruption of the Lions Club Santa Parade — an achievement he reached yesterday when the parade was cancelled because of the forecasted rains.
The Archfiend Beelzebub said the whole plan was designed to “teach Nanaimo a lesson,” after the City removed its former Chief Administrative Officer. “Totally overreacted,” said the Prince Lucifer.