NANAIMO — “Are you fucking kidding me?” asked Bowser Cooper, a three year-old Harewood chihuahua. “Somebody is out to kill us.”

Vancouver Island’s chihuahuas say they have banded together and will not come out from under the couch, no matter how many goddamned treats you offer.

“It was explosions everywhere,” explained Bowser. “They set off this bright flash and then a second later — BOOM! It’s some kind of dog extermination program.”

“This obviously has something to do with 5G,” he speculated. “Wake up, sheeple!”

Vancouver Island is home to an estimated 6,500 chihuahuas — commonly known as “those little shits.” They say the lightning storm experienced last night in the Nanaimo area was not a natural phenomenon, and was instead tied to some kind of Bill Gates-led microchip implanting scheme.

“They’ve already put the microchips in us,” said Bowser. “They’ll be coming for you next.”

The group’s demands in order to come out from under the couch: Minimum of two hours of belly rubs and a lifetime subscription to Barkbox.