NANAIMO — Mid-Island RCMP say they’re so committed to helping rein in the region’s crime wave, they’re prepared to deploy even more plastic mascots in strategic, high-crime areas.

“We take the safety of Nanaimo residents and property seriously,” said RCMP spokesmascot Nathan Poe. “This is why we’re hiring additional statues to serve as a serious deterrent to theft, vandalism, and physical crime.”

The mascots will replace all downtown security officers, and have the added benefit of being less expensive to employ, given that the Province of B.C. permits plastic mascots to be paid under Training Wage guidelines.

However, The Beacon has learned that the mascots come from the factory permanently set to “Family Fun Mode,” which prevents them from interfering in any actual crime or warning of any danger. “Say there’s a High School chamber choir from Uranium City, Saskatchewan, who want to ride on a faulty rollercoaster called ‘The Cyclone,” said Poe. “The mascots would be unable to warn them of the danger. It is likely they would perish.”

Poe added the situation would not be a complete tragedy, as the fatal accident could provide fodder for a stage musical.

The mascots are anchored by a cement and metal footing, each weighing more than 500 lbs. Thus, Mayor Leonard Krog will likely be called upon to deploy his internationally recognized coracobrachialis and palmaris longus muscles to put them in place.

The program will cost $420 million in the first five years.