A diverse group of white men in their 50s and 60s gathered in downtown Nanaimo this evening to yell at local politicians, decry “social justice snowflakes,” and something something property taxes something.

“What we need is better, uh, you know, I mean you guys should be doing something about this,” exclaimed 62-year-old white male Roger Coopil. “None of what you’re saying is making much sense to me right now, and I’m not really sure about any of this, but I know I’m angry as hell!”

Local aging caucasian James Carter said he contributed to the solution by standing at the back, occasionally yelling “Yeah! What about that?!” any time a local politician spoke at the microphone.

White male Dan Goodime, 67 years of age, suggested that “all junkies should just be sent to rehab.” When presented with several internationally recognized studies showing such forced-treatment options do not work and end up costing taxpayers money, Goodime shouted “I don’t care. Even if it doesn’t work, and costs us money, we should do it!”

At that point, John Randall, a 57-year-old white male, stood to say “Look, there are very simple solutions to this. I have no idea what they are, and I’m sure I’ll be against them as soon as they’re introduced, but I want to see them! Action now!”

Among the actionable solutions offered by the crowd of angry old white men:

  • Make shopping carts illegal*
  • “Just punt that cuck” (it’s not clear what that meant)
  • Do something about this
  • Find a solution
  • And “Somebody should do something about this and find a solution.”

Candidates from all four major political parties attended.

The Green, NDP, and Liberal candidates explained to the audience that reducing local crime wasn’t a simple fix, but involved issues around housing, mental health, and addictions.

By contrast, the Conservative candidate ripped off his shirt, revealing his chest painted with the words “Junkies Go To JAIL, Motherfucker!” The crowd erupted in wild cheering, while older white male James Carter, at the back, yelled “Yeah! What about that?!”

*this was a real suggestion