God help us all, it’s another election.

This time, as a public service (and to fulfill some of our court-ordered community hours from that whole greased-watermelon incident), we have decided to review each of the candidate web sites that we could find.

You can click each web site image to go to their site, which you should.

If you are a candidate and would like to register your displeasure, please call our Reader Helpline at (248) 434-5508.
 

Brunie “Brunie Brunie” Brunie

Not gonna lie, we didn’t expect Brunie would have a web site at all, so kudos. Also, can we just say how goddamned cute this is? Not sure putting a photo of your hand-drawn campaign sign on site is wise. And maybe let’s not say that council will rock any boats for another few years? We’ve had enough of that for a while, non?

Leonard “Muscles” Krog

Zzzz (snort!) Oh, sorry… I fell asleep. Jesus fuck, this is a boring web site. It looks like his team went to some auto-generating web site platform and picked the first “Generic Politician Template #1” they say. Also, if you’re going to go with that god-awful off-purple, at least have the decency to pick one of them. 

Don Bonner

Those piercing eyes, that smokey confidence… oh my, the vapours!! Mr. Boner’s <cough> site is okay, but that logo has that “I gave my 14-year-old nephew $10 to make me a logo” vibe.  And what is it, like 10 candidates use “Working together to make a better Nanaimo?” Kind of makes “ROCK THE BOAT” look passable.

Tyler Brown

Okay, now this is a web site. For a beauty influencer. Is Tyler running to be Nanaimo’s Next TikTok Star? If so, he has our vote. Casual clothing communicates both a sly understanding of civic dynamics and a clear bias against pineapple on pizza. The animations on this page are, well I’ll just say it, sexually arousing. Tell me I’m wrong.

Paul Chapman

Clever guy that he must be, Paul’s web site contains a downloadable 8.5″ x 11″ poster that you can print out on your cheap-ass inkjet printer and… I don’t know… put it in your window? It even has a QR code that, shockingly, doesn’t go to a porn site (yet). But is nobody going to talk about the fact that he used a free Wix site for his candidacy? WIX?! Hard pass.

Hilary Eastmure

First of all, kudos for putting the voting information at the top of the screen. This is a servicable web site. If this web site were a mechanic, he’d be the guy that probably has his ass-crack hanging out in the back, but has the courtesy to tidy up a little before coming out to the counter.

Ben Geselbracht

What the fuck kind of low-effort WordPress starter kit is this? It’s like the web builder kept asking “You sure you want the default font?” And Ben hit “YES.” “How about this generic template?” And Ben hit “GOD YES.” Also, why is his top photo showing the international symbol for “time out.” Does he know something we don’t? Does he get a pass because he has a new baby. A little, yeah.

Nick Greer

Where do we even start with this one? This is one angry and urgent site, with huge exclamation marks so that you know Nick is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it any more! Sentence fragments, missing punctuation, run-on sentences… the more you look at it, the more it becomes obvious this is a Q-Anon leak site.

Mike Hartlaub

This man is clearly fiscally prudent — hell, he even recycled the “I Like Mike” marketing tagline he used for his Grade 8 Council election. The simple fact is this: This much usage of capital letters should, in itself, be a disqualifier. Also, what the fuck is a “Neighborhood”? Do you mean a “neighbourhood”? Because you’re running for a position in Canada. It looks bad, dude.

Erin Hemmens

Now THIS is a candidate web site. A unique colour scheme (or “color,” as Mike would call it), casual hero image, a proper logo… and a page called “Reasons for Optimism.” Not an angry exclamation mark in sight. She even painted the wall behind her the same green shade as on her web site. That’s fucking commitment. 

Peter Lee

Okay, eeeeeeasy there, Captain Personality! Not only is there a great photo, is nobody going to talk about all the social media he has? Surely, Peter is a man who can communicate with the young kids. He has a YouTube channel (no videos posted), a TikTok account (no videos posted)… he even has a LinkTree which, I think everybody knows, means he has an OnlyFans somewhere. pls leak kthxbai.

Zeni Maartman

It’s fine. It’s a fine web site. Whatever. We need, though, to have a serious discussion about Zeni’s email address: It’s Yahoo. She uses a Yahoo email address. I mean, it’s adorable in that sort of “Aww, mom’s trying to use the Internet” way, but… I mean, come on. It’s embarassing. Or is it? We all know she has a secret TikTok account anyway. Maybe we’re being played here.

Alan Macdonald

Meh. Sure. It’s okay (even if it does look a little like he’s running for the Conservative leadership) and seems to check off all the boxes — suspiciously so. Small business owner, married, kids, hockey coach, non-profit executive. Looks like the kinda guy that would own crypto. There’s no way this guy is real. Clearly a Russian agent. Хорошо сыграно, товарищ.

Paul Manly

For a second, I thought the former MP’s marketing tagline was “DONATE.” Which, to be fair, would be kind of alpha. Manly drops his entire platform on his one-page web site in fine print — which is better than those who don’t appear to have any platform on their site. Servicable site. 6/10 would not visit again.

Janice Perrino

FUCK NO. OMG no. What is this monstrosity? Is Microsoft Word making web sites now? Did Clippy help? There’s more white space here than at a North Nanaimo anti-mask rally. Also… what is that? Arial? Helvetica? The blandest of all fonts. Have some self-respect. That said, she does have an Instagram account — first post ever: a week ago. Classic.

Frank Pluta

We ran a survey of more than four family members, and 75% said this web site made them think Frank sells used appliances. (Uncle Dave was passed out.) And what’s with that low-res “I Love Nanaimo!” heart? Is Borat is his campaign manager? But let’s focus on that logo, shall we? What exactly is meant to be communicated here? “I’m forward looking?” “I’ll shank you with this blade?” Could be either, really.

Michael Ribicic

No, Michael, nooooo… ☹️ We had such big hopes for you, ushering us into a generation of younger leaders. We thought we’d see your avatar in a metaverse, or a BeReal account, anything but… this. What is this, even? You didn’t buy your own domain name? Well, at least he’s got a pretty fleshed-out platform, which is more than I can say for some of the candidates.

Viraat Thammanna

The web site? Sure, it’s okay. But inside, Viraat’s fancy number animations boast about him having planted 500 trees (fine), 50 campaigns participated in (50?!!!), and 80 “success sessions” whatever those are. Best part: The images of scans of photocopies of newspaper articles from the 90s when he went on a charity bike ride. 

Ian Thorpe

Taking its design cues from the subtleties of a grocery chain flyer, Ian’s web site is a cry for help. Not pictured here, cheap clip-art that reads “I Love Nanaimo.” He has a blog that doesn’t have a permalink. Or an RSS feed. Or any idea what a blog is. Seems like a nice guy who based his web site on a 1997 “Cyberspace Marketing for Dummies” book.