NANAIMO — Just one day after a federal by-election was held, the provincial government said it will hold another election on June 14, helping feed what it calls “Nanaimo’s unyielding addiction to elections.”
The actual ballot question or representative up for election won’t be known for several weeks. Or, says Municipal Affairs minister John Morrison, perhaps ever. “Putting Nanaimo’ites through another election is really what the goal here is. Does it even matter if anything is on the ballot?”
In the last year, Nanaimo residents have participated in elections for all three levels of government: municipal, provincial, and federal.
Despite that, the Harbour City’s residents appear to not be satisfied with just three.
“Without these constant elections, we wouldn’t really have any reason to attack and name-call our fellow citizens on Facebook,” said explosives hobbyist Jamison “Junkrat” Fawkes. “We’d have to be… what’s the word? “Nice” to each other? Naw, bro. Fuck that. And fuck you, while I’m at it.”
Harewood resident and optical physicist Satya “Symmetra” Vaswani agrees. “For most of the last year, I’ve been able to stay in my sweats in the living room, hitting Refresh on Facebook Groups over and over, waiting for someone to express an opinion different than mine, and giving me an opportunity to hit them with a ‘LOL your [sic] an idiot.”
To help get residents ready for the fourth election in a year, the City’s recreation program will launch an exercise program that strengthens muscles used for standing in line. The classes will be led by Mayor Leonard “The Beast” Krog, who is, of course, internationally known for his genetically superior gluteus medius and rectus femoris muscles.
The province says if this June’s additional election proves as popular as the previous three, it will consider conducting weekly elections in the Nanaimo area.