Meta is hiding our articles from you because of its ban on Canadian news.
You can still “friend” us on Facebook or join the email list or follow us on Mastodon

B.C. Releases New “Glory Hole Tips” Brochure

COVID, Health

VICTORIA — The B.C. Ministry of Health today released a detailed 16-page brochure with tips on how to best use glory holes.

The publication came after the B.C. Centre for Disease Control advised that one can help control the spread of the Coronavirus by using “barriers, like walls (e.g., glory holes), that allow for sexual contact but prevent close face-to-face contact.”

It also recommended “sexting, online chat rooms, and group cam rooms” as ways to safely engage in sexual activity, noting that people should “be aware of the risks of sharing information or photos online, and web camming.”

This afternoon, the B.C. Ministry of Health supplemented that advice with its brochure, now being distributed to seniors homes, public libraries, and municipal halls.

B.C.’s new glory hole document posted at the VIRL branch on Commercial Street.

The document includes tips on spine health, using inclusive language, and checking to ensure you have the right host prior to engaging in any hole-related activity.

It reads:


Get the Hole Picture 
Before you pop your peen into a neighbour’s glory hole, consider the hole itself. Is it safe? Are there jagged edges? Does it appear to have been sanitized recently? Some people have reported injuries upon insertion, so be sure you stay injury-free*.

Peek Before You Poke
If you are being serviced by a certified B.C. GloryHole SuperHost, they should first politely offer you the opportunity to peek through an eye-level hole to ensure you’ve got the right host.

Avoid Gendered Language
Try to avoid using language specific to an individual gender (for instance: “Oh man, that’s good” or “Keep going, girl!”) and aim for inclusive vocalizations of pleasure. Some options could be: “I am appreciative of this moment of tenderness,” or “Can we make this quicker? My kid’s in the car.”

Watch Your Back
Keep care of your other long and hard bone — your spine! While being attended to, stand with your shoulders back and knees locked. British Columbia hospitals treat more than 420 cases of gloryhole-related spinal injuries per month. Don’t become a statistic.

*Glory hole injuries only covered by WorkSafe BC for construction workers and police officers in uniform with above-average girth. Photographic proof may be required.


In anticipation of complaints, the B.C. government has set up a Glory Hole Complaints line at 778-735-1412.

0 Comments

Reader Complaint Line

Angry about something you read here? Call us at (248) 434-5508.

About This Site

The articles on this web site are fictional works of satire.

Keep Reading…

Nanaimo’s New “Enhanced for Fitness” Bike Lanes -3

Nanaimo’s New “Enhanced for Fitness” Bike Lanes -3

UPDATE: This story has been updated with comments from Nanaimo citizens; see bottom of article. NANAIMO — Mid-Island residents will soon have an easier way to keep fit, thanks to what the City of Nanaimo calls "Fitness-Enhanced" bicycle lanes. The lanes have raised...

Reviewing Nanaimo’s “Trucker Occupation” Donors

Reviewing Nanaimo’s “Trucker Occupation” Donors

The Nanaimo Beacon has come into the possession of the list mid-Island donors to the recent trucker occupation's crowdfunding web site. As a public service, we are publishing the notes they left when donating, along with our review of those notes. (These are real...

How Maxime Bernier Inspired Our Annual Donation

How Maxime Bernier Inspired Our Annual Donation

Each year since we started this weird little satire project, we've put aside a bit of money every time someone followed our Facebook page, and donated that amount to a local Nanaimo community charity: 2019 — Literacy Central Vancouver Island2020 — Vancouver Island...

Nanaimo Port Proudly Opens to World’s Most Hazardous Waste

Nanaimo Port Proudly Opens to World’s Most Hazardous Waste

NANAIMO — Randy Smythe had never heard of hydrochloric acid until he submerged his hand into a vat of it at the Port of Nanaimo and the acid ate his flesh completely to the bone. "How does that even happen?" he said. "I'm fully vaccinated." Smythe is one of hundreds...

Liked this article? Share on your social media.