NANAIMO — In a shocking disclosure, a BC Ferries employee tells The Beacon that he has been feigning whales in the water for more than ten years, confusing tourists and commuters alike.

Nathan Poe, a cook on board the Queen of Sorrows, admits that every three or four sailings, he’ll walk up to the front of the vessel, point, and exclaim excitedly “Look! Orcas!” This causes people to stand up and peer pointlessly into the ocean.

“Honestly, it’s just for shits and giggles,” explains Poe. “I’m just so bored at work.”

Poe’s admission tracks with the latest studies from Environment Canada which show no more orcas exist in the Pacific Ocean, owing to a mass extinction event related to the recent Alberta election.

RELATED: Rating the Nanaimo Candidates’ Web Sites
This election, as a public service, the Nanaimo Beacon has reviewed each of the candidate web sites that we could find. [read now]

People who believe they see whales in the ocean are, more likely, seeing large masses of non-flushable “flushable” wipes, like the ones which are literally changing the shape of the Thames River.

This catastrophe is part of why Vancouver Island residents must now write their addresses on any wet wipes they use, prior to flushing.