NANAIMO — A city council meeting was interrupted briefly last night by a group of citizens who proclaimed themselves to be “against stuff and, you know, sorry, what are we here for again? Oh yeah, NFTs.”

Council gave third reading to a bylaw intended to bring a proposed data centre to East Wellington (a region which actually only exists on paper).

The data centre will be used to mine bitcoin, which will then be washed through Russian exchanges, twice-laundered through Ladysmith mob operations, and ultimately be used to mint limited-edition NFTs featuring different coloured naloxone images.

Protestors Unaware of Basic Procedure

“This Council does not have the right to unilaterally make decisions that affect this city,” said protest leader Nathan Poe, who seemed unaware of the recent election of council members whose job it is to unilaterally make decisions that affect this city.

The meeting got off to a rough start when the city’s director of legislative services Sheila Gurrie reminded the group that the citizen-input part of the process had already happened in previous public hearings, and therefore questions would not be taken. Members of the group began shouting “Excuse me?!” and “I beg your pardon?!” and “No really, we can’t hear, the sound system is off.”

Conspiracies Cited

Nanaimo resident and failed school district candidate Tanner Scott stood up and said “NFTs? Computers? With freakin’ microchips? No thank you,” then began showing counsellors photos on his phone of stripped down computer components. Protestors in the gallery responded by doing that Arsenio Hall whoop whoop thing.

“Why are you allowing the Chinese to snoop on us?” one woman yelled. (This actually happened.)

Protesters loudly expressed their two-fold belief that:

• industrial use should not be permitted on land designated for industrial purposes under the City Plan
• the Bored Tracy Samra NFT collection has come way down in price and should be considered

Councillors tried to calm the assembled group by explaining that the data centre will be used to generate revenue for the city by investing in potentially lucrative NFTs.

Mema Strikes Again?

The idea initially came from former CFO Victor Mema who, to his credit, was ahead of his time, given that the popularity of NFTs only began to skyrocket after he left the City’s employ for totally not at all reasons related to his competency or lack thereof. (Mema went on to create and star in the off-Broadway musical “Let Me Pay For That,” which was soundly panned by critics.)

The zoning amendment will now be scheduled for final adoption at a future Council meeting. Permits will still be required for the construction.