NANAIMO — Fast ferry company “Hullo” today launched its long-awaited ships on an inaugural crossing to Vancouver.

Naw, just kidding.

In an email to the Nanaimo Beacon, Hullo executive Nathan Poe provided 50 reasons why they were unable to do the one thing they’ve spent literally years planning for:

1. There was a power failure the previous night.
2. We couldn’t do safety checks in time.
3. They want us to take the disabled people too… nobody told us until this week.
4. The winds were too strong.
5. The winds were not strong enough.
6. BC Ferries cancels all the time, wtf shut up
7. We had it on our calendar for September; our bad
8. It’s too hot in our office
9. The Mayor failed to lift our ferries into the correct launching positions
10. Something something homeless people
11. Regulations and shit
12. We were under-staffed.
13. We were short-staffed.
14. We didn’t have enough staff.
15. We failed to hire enough staff.
16. Did we mention the winds? It was really strong, bro.
17. There’s no excuse. We apologize. Naw, j/k j/k 🤣
18. Our captain was playing Fortnite and came in 2nd place – what the fuck would you have done?!
19. Nobody expected us to really launch anyway, come on lol
20. The captain overslept in a hammock.
21. The ferry is afraid of water today.
22. We’re waiting for the tide… to turn in our favour. (get it, motherfuckers?!)
23. Today’s horoscope advised against travel.
24. The anchor developed separation anxiety.
25. The fucking NDP seagulls staged a protest on deck again.
26. We ran out of sea salt for the captain’s fries.
27. The ferry is on a juice cleanse.
28. Mermaids blocked the exit.
29. The GPS insists we’re already at our destination.
30. Spotify playlist wasn’t ready.
31. The ship’s cat called in sick.
32. We’re waiting for the ship’s coffee to brew.
33. The captain lost his favourite hat.
34. WiFi is buffering. We have to wait. (Related: Shaw sucks.)
35. The ferry saw its shadow; six more weeks of dock time.
36. The lifejackets are at a fashion show.
37. We’re waiting for the ship’s paint to dry.
38. The ferry is having a mid-life crisis.
39. Ship’s parrot won’t stop squawking.
40. We got into a feud with a tugboat.
41. Issues with the ship’s horn (too tooty).
42. Anchor got tangled in seaweed spaghetti.
43. Ship’s bell is on silent mode and we can’t figure out how to turn it off.
44. The captain’s beard got tangled in the wheel. Seriously, he needs to shave.
45. The ship’s PA system won’t stop playing”Never Gonna Give You Up.”
46. The ferry’s in a mood; it wants compliments.
47. Can’t talk. We’re in a staring contest with the lighthouse on Gabriola.
48. The ferry’s in a timeout for being too buoyant.
49. We’re still waiting for our announcement Facebook post to get 10 likes.
50. We’re not a real company. It was all a joke. HAHAHAHAHA!! Dumb-asses.