So you want a Liberal government, but you’re afraid of splitting the left vote?

No problem! Our political analysts here at the Nanaimo Beacon have created this easy-to-understand guide to strategic voting in today’s federal election.

YOU WANT A LIBERAL GOVERNMENT
This is an easy one. First, calculate the seat differential between the left-leaning parties and divide by the margin of error in the last federal election. If the margin of error is under 2.0%, vote Green but instead of putting an X in the ballot, put a G there to really show ’em. If the margin of error is over 2.0%, vote NDP but in small letters under your vote, write the phrase “This should not be interpreted as support for an NDP candidate.”

YOU WANT TO KEEP THE GREEN M.P., BUT GET AN NDP GOVERNMENT
First, go to the ballot box wearing all green and insert the phrase “Fuck fracking” into as many conversations as you can. Now, vote for Maxime Bernier’s party and in the exit polls tell them you voted for the Conservative candidate. Then, within an hour of the poll closing, go back in and tell the poll workers you made a mistake and meant to spoil your ballot.

YOU WANT A RIGHT-LEANING GOVERNMENT, AND YOU DON’T CARE WHICH PARTY GETS IT
To avoid splitting the right-wing vote, create a spreadsheet showing the policy statements of each left-leaning party, and tally up the total number of times each platform contains the phrases “Middle-class,” “healthy economy,” and “sunny ways.” Divide the total number of instances in each column by the total number of times any right-leaning party platform contains the phrases “immigration,” “deficit”, or “bleeding heart pinko commies” and multiply by the total number of parties running. Then, ignore this calculation and vote for the party led by that guy with the most incredible “melt in your heart” dimples.

YOU WANT TO “STICK IT” TO THE CURRENT LIBERAL GOVERNMENT
Vote Liberal. It’ll confuse the hell out of them.

YOU WANT A FEDERAL LIBERAL GOVERNMENT BUT AN NDP LOCAL M.P.
Remember that strategic voting is sometimes difficult, takes courage, and doesn’t always result in what you want. Nevertheless, vote for the Progressive Conserva…er, Progressive Canadian party. With enough votes, this will reinvigorate the right, they will take the reins of office, and begin fighting with each other. In time, they will elect someone who says he’ll unite the party, but instead will split it into three, all the while Nanaimo will vote in a second by-election to elect a local NDP MP and this chaos will return to the Liberals to power. Couldn’t you just do the latter this election? Sure. But think of all the fun you’d miss.

YOU WANT ANOTHER BY-ELECTION NEXT MONTH
Put “Leonard Krog” on the ballot, as a write-in candidate. With enough write-in votes, he’ll become our next independent MP and we will require another election for Mayor. Come on, Nanaimo, let’s do this!!!

YOU HATE TRANS PEOPLE AND LIKE MASS SHOOTINGS
Vote for Maxime Bernier’s party.