OTTAWA — Fisheries and Oceans Canada, in partnership with Pfizer, has selected Nanaimo to be the site of a new habitat for genetically modified fresh-water Orca whales.
The whale clones have been DNA-spliced to be able to survive almost two full weeks in fresh water.
Fisheries scientists airlifted the first whale into Long Lake earlier this week. Officials named it “Darla the Doomed,” given that the fresh-water genetic modifications have significantly shortened her life expectancy.
Officials say all remaining whales are named Shamu.
The full pod of twelve will be airlifted individually into Long Lake by the end of the month, says Fisheries spokesperson Ron Hovestad.
“We’ve been working closely with scientists to develop this first ever GMO Orca clone which can survive briefly in fresh water,” Hovestad explained. “No reason, really. We were just bored.”
Environmental activists say they’re at a loss to understand what, exactly, to protest. “I mean, they’re giving them a habitat, I guess. But GMO just means bad, right?” asked social media influencer Sarah Bates. “Like, I’m not really sure what GMO stands for, but I know it’s bad. Hang on. I’ve gotta Instagram this.”
The two-week experiment is being closely watched by ocean biologists around the world. Any whales which survive past two weeks will be humanely euthanized using chemtrails and 5G wireless signals.
The carcasses will be processed and made into Beyond Orca patties and distributed to McDonalds restaurants throughout Asia.
The experiment was made possible by a $420-million grant from pharmaceutical mega-conglomerate Pfizer.