NANAIMO — Blowing vape rings with her Juul, Nanaimo’s New Year’s baby says she’s a little disappointed at being born in Nanaimo.

“Honestly, what are the odds?” said Satya Vaswani. “I could have been born anywhere. Manhattan would have been cool. Or even Montréal. But I came out, and I was like, what? Nanaimo?! Jesus fuck.”

Satya was born Jan. 1 at 3:56 a.m. She weighed in at seven lbs. and 11 ounces after 13 hours of labour.

“I was pretty excited to pop out, you know. I’d spent months in there. And then once I finally got a look around, it was like ‘This place is trash.’ Like literally trash. There’s garbage everywhere. Don’t you people have garbage cans?”

“I mean, I’m not even a week old, and even I know you have a waste management issue here.”

Satya also isn’t happy with her name. “Listen, look at my parents. They’re hippies. What the hell is that flower headband? They’re whiter than snow. And they name me ‘Satya Vaswani’? Vaswani isn’t even their last name. Smith is. I hate this.”

In a wide-ranging, rambling interview with The Beacon, Satya railed against the property taxes, discussed her thoughts on changes to the provincial health authority, and joined 14 Nanaimo Facebook groups. Already, her first posts have included the phrases “You don’t know anything, you fucking libcuck,” and “City council is a bunch of goddamned idiots.”

Her parents say they believe she’ll fit into Nanaimo just fine.

All satire aside, we’d like to wish Chris and Taylor Doughty best wishes on the birth of Nanaimo’s actual New Year’s baby, Gerald. [story]