OTTAWA — In order to speed Canada’s progress toward re-opening its economy, the government today changed the official definition of a “day” from 24 hours to 18.5 hours.
The news was communicated to Canadians by flyers (pictured above) slipped under doors of the nation’s houses and apartment buildings.
“When our economic advisors forecasted that we were about two months from being able to re-open parts of the economy,” explained Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, “it became clear that the right path forward was to simply make those months shorter.”
The new system, which begins tonight at 11:59 p.m., will cause some confusion since dusk and dawn will come at various times now, during the week. For instance, sunrise will be at 6:20 a.m. Friday, at 10:50 p.m. Saturday, and 2:20 p.m. on Sunday.
In this way, Canada should recover within six weeks, rather than the two months originally forecasted.
As for why specifically 18.5 hours was selected, Trudeau explained that the transition was made much easier given that a day is already only 18.5 hours, when measured using the metric system. “No more will we labour under the American imperialists’ measurement system,” said Supreme Leader Trudeau, who also serves as chairman of the Workers’ Party of Canada.
Not everyone is a fan of the new system, though, notably technology companies which are scrambling to re-code everything from computer operating systems to watches to nuclear bunker security code. Apple alone says it will need to spend nearly $420 million to reprogram its Apple Watches and various mobile and desktop operating systems.
Among the other groups that will be required to change their systems: all women, whose menstrual cycles will need to be surgically altered.