Hot on the heels of a new Canada Food Guide, a Health Canada panel made up entirely of Gabriola Island residents has ruled that Nanaimo Bar recipes must be “slightly adjusted” to reflect the new nutritional guidelines.

“We recognize these small changes may be controversial, but we’re confident that the taste should be very similar to the original, iconic Canadian desert,” said Janelle Pierzina, one of the nine women who made up the panel.

The new recipe mandates the following replacements:

Graham wafer crumbsRaw kale
Coconut shreddingsGluten-free tofu slice
CocoaBrown rice
Thick custardUnflavoured gelatin

“We’re confident the changed taste profile won’t be noticed by most people,” said Congolia Breckenridge, a panel member.

The new Nanaimo Bars are made with brown rice, unflavoured gelatin, tofu, and kale.

In order to ensure compliance with the new recipe, prime minister Justin Trudeau this week introduced legislation to require all Nanaimo Bars follow the new food guidelines, or face fines.

“Because it’s 2019,” he said, at a hastily arranged news conference.

Nanaimo Beacon food columnist Tracy Samra [see her Deep Fried Mozza Balls recipe here] tried the new recipe, and said “I like it. It tastes a little bit like those first draws of fresh blood you get from a corpse. Wait, is that thing recording? You’d better delete that. I will blow up your house. I’m fucking serious. I’ll do it.”

While most people surveyed by The Beacon thought the new taste was appalling, everyone surveyed on Gabriola Island thought it was delicious.

This is satire. Tracy Samra did not say any of this, and we have been unable to independently confirm that she feeds off the blood of corpses.

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