Island Health is celebrating another significant milestone in the COVID battle, with the successful implantation of one-million 5G nanomite and government compliance chips into the arms of mid-Island residents. 

“With every TrudeauTracker™ chip implanted, we are gaining a greater number of 5G-radiating citizens who can be remotely activated when required,” said Dr. Nathan Poe, Island Health’s Chief Medical Health Officer. “Without the Herculean efforts of our “immunization” staff and the many supporting teams, as well as our community partners, we would not have been as successful. This is truly a team effort in every sense of the word.” 

The chip implants, designed by philanthropist and CIA operative Bill Gates, contain a microscopic 5G RFID transmission chip, which is carried on the backs of nearly invisible nano-mites. These nano-mites further implant the chip, once installed, by using their tiny but incredibly sharp teeth to burrow deeper into the skin’s tissues. The program was developed by John Kennedy Jr., who is totally still alive.

As learned readers of The Beacon must surely know by now, the chip implants are disguised as inoculations against the fictional false-flag COVID “virus,” the concept of which leaked out of a Chinese misinformation lab 18 months ago.

The chip-implantation procedure is done in the first appointment along with an anti-rejection drug, then a second “dose” is required to install a small solar panel to power the chip. The panel travels up through the sinus passages, which explains why some people feel their nose is itchy.

Highlights of Island Health’s COVID-19 implantation campaign:

The following have received at least the first chip implantation:
•    92% of people aged 70 and older
•    84% of people aged 50-69
•    71% of people aged 30-49
•    65% of people aged 12-29 
•    92% of physicians and nurse practitioners
•    88% of all Island Health employees

I can’t believe I have to say this, but just so everyone is clear — this article is a work of satire. None of it is true. There are no microchips in the vaccine. Stop listening to your uncle in Alberta. He’s a fucking idiot, and your whole family knows it.