Aries
You feel like a snowstorm is coming It’s important to spend your time looking up snow memes on Facebook. This will be a much more valuable use of your time than buying trivial things like a snow shovel.

Taurus
Forget about the cold. Opening the window in your bedroom will be like opening your bowel, today.

Gemini
If there’s one thing you can take for granted this week, it’s that things cannot be taken for granted. Llamas may cause problems for you today as you try to take new chances.

Cancer
Beban Park. Just don’t. Trust us.

Leo
You will be the last person allowed on the ferry — twice, this month. This is a sign that you have become enlightened. Consider a run for Council in 2022.

Virgo
The candles you bought during last month’s massive power outage will find an unusual use when your old flame from high school shows up unexpectedly at your door.

Libra
Good deeds will be rewarded this month. Consider shoveling the snow from your neighbour’s sidewalk and when they thank you, say “You don’t have to thank me. I’m going to send you an invoice.” People take too much for granted these days. Fuck those people.

Scorpio
You will find good fortune this month by taking a scenic trip to Mount Benson, as long as you use Uber. Oh. Wait.

Sagittarius
The local newspaper contains hidden messages directed only to you. Ignore any messages about knives, and report all occurrences of out-of-place vowels to your psychiatrist.

Capricorn
You will slip and fall on ice mid-month. This will be entirely your fault. Stop blaming City services, and instead blame those knock-off Birkenstocks you got off some guy on Saltspring and think are “perfectly fine” in the snow.

Aquarius
You will finally discover why your girlfriend, Ella, never wants to come over for your beautiful salmon dinner, and you will stop using the phrase “Let me serve you some salmon, Ella.”

Pisces
Your web searches have already been reported to the RCMP. It’s too late. Related: Honestly, what the fuck do you plan to do with a “greased watermelon,” anyway?!