NANAIMO — The Vancouver Island child singlehandedly providing hope and inspiration for millions says he is “fucking exhausted” after having made more than 278,500 paper hearts for homes around the world.

“I really only meant to do one for my house,” said eight-year-old Conrad Didali. “Then our next-door neighbour wanted one, and then the requests started pouring in. Now I have a backlog that will take me another fucking 17 years to clear.”

“Language!” his mother Judy yelled from the kitchen.

Conrad says it is especially difficult to complete the heart orders given the tools he has to work with. “I’m only eight, so I don’t even get real scissors. I get these piece-of-trash blunt things from Grade Two that can’t even cut a wet paper bag.”

Conrad says people don’t realize how hard he’s working to try to fulfill record demand. “This is taking all my energy. I’m a frontline worker. I know nurses and doctors are trying to help, and that’s cute and all, but nobody is thinking about me here.”

Luckily, things may be easing up soon.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau last week invoked the Defence Production Act and required Conrad to stop shipping his paper hearts to the United States. “We have to look after our own people,” the Prime Minister said in a news conference Friday. U.S. President Donald Trump said he is considering retaliating by blocking the red dye supply chain used in 95% of Canadian paper hearts.

When asked to comment about the federal government order, Conrad curled into a ball and began whimpering “No more, please. Pleeeease make it stop.”

Oddly, people in the Facebook comments section for this post seemed more concerned about the child’s language, rather than the fact that he has literal bleeding blisters on his hands from all the cutting:

His web order form says he is back-ordered until 2037.