We know that one of your family’s most pressing concerns throughout this national crisis are the fashion choices you’re making on a daily basis.
At times like these, we must look to our leaders for hope and inspiration about layered patterns and the critical mixed-fabric decisions that will come to define us as a nation.
That’s why we assembled a panel of four men’s fashion experts to evaluate the Mayor’s revealing choices in fashion.
“This was a bold choice. The rough-weave dress shirt, which Mayor Krog obviously intended as homage to the Italian trends of the 90s, falls effortlessly across His Worship’s magnificent pectoralis major.
“Of course, I am deeply concerned about the two-tone diagonal striped tie. If this was intended as a “I’m just as in poverty as you” attempt at communication, it fails dismally. Even the most impoverished among us would not dare this kind of attempt — and with a beige secondary tone, at that. Frankly, it’s disturbing.”
March 16, 2020
“NO NO, A MILLION TIMES NO.
“Look, I completely understand the desire to use a Spanish back-stitch looped button shirt in times like these, but it’s completely inappropriate. When the City is in a crisis, the Mayor should be sticking with lower front-cut styles or slot-pulled (“Vatican Style”) buttoned shirts.
“That said, I fully respect the bold decision to pair baby blue with a bleached-out retro tone (beige, in this instance). While this choice tends to say more about the emotional impact it has on people who see the pairing, it’s a solid way of saying “I see you, I hear you,” which is exactly what Mr. Krog should be commuicating now. Kudos.”
March 23, 2020
“I’m only going to say this once. Paisley should never be worn by men with greying beards. Not once — greying beards and paisley are never a match. Fuck! I said it twice.
“Anyone with a first-year fashion school education understands that the eye is naturally drawn from the paisely pattern, up past Mayor Krog’s admittedly delicious sternocleidomastoid muscles, and to the beard. It’s not a good look, even if you are distracted by the effortlessly sensual nature of his platysma and trapezius muscles.
“Also, we are back to the rough-weave dress shirt? Apparently the only store open in Nanaimo now is The Gap, and it hasn’t had a restocking since 2003.”
March 27, 2020
“I’m not sure what you want me to review here. The Mayor hasn’t changed his clothes since his March 27th appearance in front of the cameras.
“But, since none of the other fashion analysts have mentioned it, I’d like to talk about the deeply concerning choice of glasses. I don’t think there’s any person in the civilized world who doesn’t spend at least 20 minutes each morning reviewing the Rule of Thirds — head, chest, and shoulders.
“Here, we see an alarming disconnection between the visual lines created by the top and bottom of His Worship’s glasses, and the competing slope of his shoulder. And even with his internationally recognized supraspinatus cluster of shoulder muscles, there is simply no way to maintain an appropriate angle.
“Here is a diagram I made to illustrate this:
“I recognize the Mayor is probably under a great deal of stress, but SYMETTRY MATTERS in times like these. We can’t all just be randomly mis-aligning our clothes against our accessories. Do we want anarchy?!?!”
April 3, 2020