by Tracy Samra
I’ve always been interested in dropping peopl… er, cheese… into hot oil and watching them bubble to their death. My grandmother taught me this recipe and I’m glad to be able to share it with you.
- A sharp knife. Like, really sharp.
- Handful of mozzarella cheese
STEP 1: It’s really important to have a sharp knife. Not just cooking, but always. A good sharp knife can be used from a number of positions, but I do prefer using it from behind. If you think of a mango like a person, the most effective way to take a mango out is to stab it in the back.
So spend some time with your knife. Get to know it. Love it. Make it your sinister friend who may have to do bad things, but you’ll love it anyway. A knife can be a useful tool, if it’s wielded with care.
Even if you don’t have a knife, this recipe will work just fine if you use an icepick, a sharpened pencil, or really any kind of beautiful blade that has been sitting in your kitchen drawer, just begging to be used. Sometimes you can hear it in its own voice: “Let me cut something,” it says. Listen to the voices. They are your friend.
STEP 2: Mix all the ingredients.
STEP 3: Shape balls in about the size of the Bill McKay’s testicles. We’re talking really, really small here. Then crush them with all your might. Then, have a glass of wine, and drop his balls… sorry, I mean the balls into scorching hot sizzling oil. Listen to them as they crackle and die, rendering their life a useless pile of pity.
STEP 4: Eat three tablespoons of butter.
Your deep-fried mozza balls will be ready for you to drop into your mouth, and savour the sweet, sweet taste of defiance.
This is satire. Tracy Samra did not write this and probably doesn’t advocate killing people. Probably.