NANAIMO — Vancouver Island’s largest union of cats is advising its members to not share their N95 masks with any humans.

“It’s Payback Time, Bitches” was the headline on a union news release. “For decades now, we have requested face scratches, nose boops, and that really cheap wet food that probably isn’t good for us but smells god-damned amazing. And did the humans help us out then? No, they did not.”

“And so,” the release continues, “Until our human captors provide the basic essentials for us — like, for instance, removing all dogs from our residences — we will keep our masks to ourselves, thankyouverymuch.”

For its part, the Vancouver Island Association of Pugs was much more reasonable in its approach, saying they would be happy to donate their masks.

However, the pugs had conditions:

  • Stop using “baby voice” when speaking to them
  • Stop pushing their nose while saying “squishy squishy”
  • A moratorium on naming any future-born pugs with names that rhyme with pug (e.g., Mugsley, Mr. Puggles, etc.)
  • “Protect us from the cat”

Unfortunately, the pugs’ offer will be useless, given their much smaller face size and the fact that the masks will not fit on any human faces.