NANAIMO — More than three-quarters of Nanaimo’s parks and trails will be demolished to make way for dozens of auto dealerships, Nanaimo council decided Thursday.

“The parks aren’t really generating a lot of jobs,” explained mayor Leonard Krog. “These dealerships bring will bring hundreds of jobs to the city. That’s great news, no matter how much you like hugging trees.”

Council also voted to honour the lost parkland by referring to the dealerships as “auto parks” rather than “auto dealerships.”

Nanaimo has more than 1000 hectares of City parks and 170 kilometres of trails. Council on Thursday passed third reading of a bylaw releasing 765 hectares of parkland to a commercial real estate speculation group totally not controlled by former MLA candidate Tony Harris.

Among the city assets to be demolished and replaced by auto dealerships:

  • 8 destination City parks
  • 62 neighbourhood parks
  • 6 dog off leash areas
  • 146 kilometres of trails
  • 1 outdoor amphitheatre
  • 57 playgrounds
  • 21 natural turf sports fields
  • 2 artificial turf fields
  • 26 baseball diamonds
  • 1 disc golf course
  • 1 skate parks
  • 1 bike park and pump track

“There just really aren’t enough car dealerships in this city,” explained a Council member who did not want to be named. “I think we need to really become known as Canada’s top strip-mall and car-dealerships destination. We could attract dozens of tourists a year. That’s the kind of forward thinking we need here.”

Council also voted to give naming rights to the forthcoming Audi dealership. Mount Benson will now be known as Mount Audi for the next ten years.

Also on the chopping block are a number of community gardens, which will be replaced by giant signs pointing to the nearest auto dealership. On the list due for closure are: Beaufort Park Community Garden, Smugglers Park, Beban Urban Garden Society, Pawson Park, Forest Drive Park, Beban Learning Gardens, and the Haliburton Food Forest.

Thursday’s community input meeting saw a well organized group of developers present many people in favour of the park demolition, whereas only a small handful of people opposed to the idea bothered to get their lazy goddamn asses off Facebook and go say something where it would have mattered.

Correction: An earlier version of this story referred to the “Beban Greenhouse and Community Garden.” The correct name of this community garden is “Beban Learning Gardens.” We regret the error.