BREAKING — The BC Ferry Services Board today fired its CEO and replaced the chief executive with a 6″ oblong stone named Dave.

“In these uncertain times,” said Board vice-chair Nathan Poe, “We need someone grounded, rooted to the earth, and rock-solid in their strategy.”

“And honestly,” he added, “how much worse a job could he do?”

Mark Collins was appointed CEO in 2017 and is entitled to $420 million in severance pay. He was released from the corporation just a month after former BC finance minister Joy “The Executioner” McPhail was appointed chair of the Board.

The announcement was made in a surprisingly sharply-headlined news release this afternoon:

BC Ferries had come under criticism recently for a series of failings, ranging from the minor (i.e., a record number of cancellations) to the life-threatening (i.e., failure to return the Sunshine Breakfast to the menu.)

The corporation also came under fire for its decision to cancel the main Island routes in favour of a bridge that did not span the full Strait.

Travellers also found a recent survey insulting to Island residents:

In an exclusive interview with The Beacon, the new CEO was unable to commit to service level increases, owing to its inability to speak. A BC Ferries news release says he was the top candidate, owing to his indigenous status. He is believed to have been part of the Snuneymuxw First Nation for about 300 years.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was BC Ferries’ cancellation of its Departure Bay routes until it could source enough N95 masks to fit the ferries used on those routes [read more].

Later, it announced any remaining routes would be cancelled indefinitely to permit a new aquatic bear crossing. [read more]